Blu-Ray Review: A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

Starring Liam Neeson (yeah!), Dan Stevens, Boyd Holbrook, Sebastian Roche, Brian “Astro” Bradley. Directed by Scott Frank. (2014, 116 min).
Universal

Ever taken a chance on a fancy five-star restaurant, the kind you feel the need to dust-off that single tie in your closet reserved for weddings and funerals? You justifiably expect any place that compels you to remember how to make a Windsor knot would have great food and first class service. Yet, the unpronounceable $50 entrée you ordered ends up being awful, making you wish you’d have just gone to Red Robin. You feel ripped off, knowing that at-least Robin’s Whiskey River BBQ burger and a side of fries has never let you down.

Lately, Liam Neeson has been the cinematic equivalent of that burger.

Neeson is an indisputably great actor (Schindler’s List proved that), but as far as I’m concerned, I’d be totally happy if be spends the rest of his days as the Charles Bronson of the 21st Century. He’s carved a nifty little niche for himself as an action hero of mid-budget potboilers like Non-Stop, The Grey and the Taken franchise. None of them are what you’d call high-art, but they’re seldom disappointing either. Just like Red Robin’s reliable burger baskets, at least you know what you’re gonna get.

You can add A Walk Among the Tombstones to the menu. Actually, this one is more like ordering that burger basket and substituting the fries with onion rings. If you’ve ever enjoyed Red Robin’s o-rings, you know what I’m talking about. They make a great meal even better. As much undemanding fun as Taken and Non-Stop are, A Walk Among the Tombstones is arguably better because it’s far more character driven, allowing Neeson to do much more with his character than threaten his enemies (though he does that here, too) before blowing them away.

"You're getting the check, right?"

This time, Neeson plays Matt Scudder, a recovering alcoholic PI hired by a prominent New York drug dealer (Dan Stevens) to find those who kidnapped and killed the man’s wife. Scudder is initially reluctant to take the job until he learns these thugs have previously kidnapped the wives of other kingpins, holding them for ransom before slaughtering them anyway. When one crimelord's daughter is ultimately abducted, we learn much about Scudder’s dark past, especially during conversations with a homeless boy he befriends (T.J., wonderfully played by Brian Bradley), who has aspirations of being a Sam Spade-like detective.

The interplay between Neeson and Bradley is easily the best part of the film, raising A Walk Among the Tombstones above the usual one-man-demolition-crew similar movies end up becoming. This extra attention to characters may initially disappoint those expecting something more akin to Taken. In fact, there isn’t a hell of a lot of action until the final act, but since the film is based on just one of a long-running series of Matt Scudder novels by Lawrence Block, it only makes sense these characters (not their actions) are the crux of the story. But rest assured, the film still comes to a climax which should satisfy fans of Neeson’s middle-aged ass-kicking.

Ultimately, A Walk Among the Tombstones is a worthy addition to Neeson’s career renaissance of revenge and rampage, once-again reminding us his skills as an actor are ultimately what sets his films apart from the empty slam-bang fireworks of the typical action flick.

EXTRAS:
Featurettes: A Look Behind the Tombstones (making of); Matt Scudder, Private Eye

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

DVD Review: ZODIAC: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Starring Joel Gretsch, Reilly Dolman, Andrea Brooks, Christopher Lloyd. Directed by W.D. Hogan. (2014, 90 min).
Anchor Bay

The title of this little cheapie (which premiered on SyFy, of course) may be the most clear-cut example of truth-in-advertising since Sharknado. But those looking for the same self-aware sense of humor will be sorely disappointed. Zodiac takes its premise seriously, and while the dialogue, performances and special effects are often laughable, this movie isn’t nearly as much daffy fun as your usual Saturday night schlockfest. In fact, it’s a crushing bore.

A down-on-his-luck archeologist discovers zodiac markings in a recently opened cave and somehow makes the connection they are an ominous sign of the end of the world. Sure enough, Earth is soon bombarded every ten minutes by tsunamis, meteor strikes, lightning and volcanic eruptions, each preceded by the actual zodiac symbols appearing in clouds, fire, smoke or water. The effect is supposed to be global, but these signs conveniently only show up wherever the cast happens to be at the time, which is mostly driving around the backwoods of Canada, since that’s where a lot of these movies are made (I guess that means our neighbors up north will get more of a heads-up than the rest of us).

Biggest. Spider. Ever.

If you’re in the right frame of mind, cheap-jack SyFy flicks can be kinda fun if you leave any expectations of greatness at the door. But Zodiac seldom even reaches that so-bad-it’s-good level. Despite the ridiculous premise, it’s difficult to have much fun at its expense because nothing really interesting happens, mostly due to the lame story and dull characters. Even the eccentricities of the great Christopher Lloyd, in what amounts to a glorified cameo, are woefully underused. How is that even possible?

EXTRAS: None

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Movie Haiku of the Week: GONE WITH THE WIND

Rhett Butler is frank

When he informs Scarlett he

Doesn't give a damn.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS and the Recipe for Disappointment

Starring John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Max von Sydow, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Kenny Baker. Directed by J.J. Abrams. (2015).

Are we getting our hopes up too high here?

Sure, we’re all excited. Who wouldn’t be? Ever since Disney acquired Lucasfilm in 2012 for a staggering $4 billion and immediately announced a seventh film, Star Wars fans worldwide started salivating, exuberant that their beloved saga would indeed continue. Regardless of your opinion of Disney’s marketing practices, you have to admit they’ve always handled the properties they’ve acquired (like Jim Henson Studios, Pixar and Marvel) with great care, and with arguably more respect than the beloved franchises they created themselves (Bambi II anyone?).

Additionally promising was the news that George Lucas’ role would be strictly as a consultant, leaving most of the creative decisions in more capable hands. Sure, he may have created this universe, but few would argue that the perceived debacle of the prequel trilogy was largely due to Lucas answering to no one to but himself (kind of like Howard Hughes during his crazy years). The original Star Wars notwithstanding, he’s a terrible screenwriter and questionable director who eventually became far more in-love with technology than storytelling.

Most of us would also agree that putting J.J. Abrams (director & co-writer) in charge of the first film was a good first step in redirecting a wayward ship. After all, he successfully rescued Star Trek from mothballs, though he wasn’t even a fan of the original series. Abrams has his detractors (who doesn’t?), but he’s since-made his love and respect for the original Star Wars trilogy abundantly clear. Whether or not he enhances or tarnishes its legacy remains to be seen, but there’s no arguing his track record as a solid director.

In the ensuing months, what Star Wars fan wasn’t jazzed upon hearing Lawrence Kasdan (co-writer of The Empire Strikes Back) was hired to work on the new screenplay, or that John Williams was returning to score the film? Most exciting of all, of course, was the news Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford would be reprising their iconic characters (though most-likely in supporting roles) at least one more time. Techno-geeks were equally appeased when Abrams informed us this new film to be utilizing practical special effects (as opposed to CGI) as much as possible in order to retain the look and feel of the original trilogy.

By now, who the hell wasn’t looking forward to The Force Awakens?

Then the first trailer was released not too long ago. As if renewed Star Wars mania wasn’t heated enough, media & fan frenzy exploded like a hydrogen bomb afterwards. That trailer (brilliantly made, I might add) was immediately deified/crucified, analyzed frame-by-frame, picked-apart, reassembled and extensively written about by critics, bloggers, trolls and fans, all with their own predictions, gripes, agendas, theories and wish-lists. We’ve read everything from rapturous worship by those blindly celebrating this film as though it were the second coming of Christ, to basement-dwelling mama’s boys questioning the logistics of a cross-guard light saber, to the darkest trolls of humanity lamenting the possibility one of the main characters is black (the internet is sometimes an awful place). Hell, there are even numerous articles by guys with too much spare time on their hands who’ve written thousands of words just analyzing the fucking title.

As of this writing, the movie is still 11 months away from being released, yet right now, you can Google Star Wars and find thousands of articles by folks (both articulate and idiotic) who are already 100% convinced The Force Awakens is destined to be the greatest film of the year, deserving of every single Oscar it has the potential to be nominated for. As a fan who fell in love with the original Star Wars 38 years ago, I’d love nothing more than to agree. Hell, I’m rooting for the damn thing to be the greatest cinema spectacle of all time.

The Force just awakened...in his pants.

But alas, I can’t bring myself to declare blind allegiance to the success of a movie just because it has Star Wars in the title. I learned that hard lesson 16 years ago, when similar pre-release hype surrounded Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

If you weren’t around back them, rest assured, the anticipation reached similarly epidemic proportions. Hardcore fans paid for movies they had no interest in seeing just to catch the fucking trailer; others (apparently with jobs worth walking away from) camped out in front of theaters weeks before the release date; a few Australians even flew to the U.S. to be the first from their country to see it. Between the fanboys and prerelease hype, there was no way The Phantom Menace could disappoint.

Right?

Again, if you weren’t around back then, The Phantom Menace was widely regarded as a massive disappointment. I won’t go into specifics because you’ve heard all that shit before. The point is, there ultimately reaches a moment where an anticipated film cannot possibly live up to the hyperactive expectations of those waiting for it. Sure, The Phantom Menace was rife with problems, but based on what the brand name meant to fans worldwide, you’d have thought the film took a massive shit on their childhood memories, mainly because those same folks automatically assumed the film would be great. While they vocally blamed Lucas, what they should have done was look in the mirror.

One thing I can safely say about most fanboys is that they love to talk stuff to death, working each other into a frenzy by discussing and debating menial shit the Average Joe doesn’t give a damn about, especially if the topic of discussion is a movie no one has seen yet. Hell, we’re doing that right now. I don’t have science or hard data to support me, but I’m pretty certain the internet & social media has already made The Force Awakens the most discussed and debated film of all time. People just gotta know about every single plot detail, new character, gadget and special effect way in advance.

But you know what? The Force Awakens could still suck. No one wants it to suck, of course, but the fact remains it’s entirely possible J.J. Abrams could totally screw-the-pooch. After all, even Spielberg and Hitchcock made some stinkers during their careers.

Do I think it will suck? No...like everyone else, I hope it’ll knock my socks off. But shouldn’t we have more of a hopeful wait-and-see attitude, remaining as objective as possible in order to judge the film on its own merits, without the hysterical pre-release baggage threatening to drag it down into that pit of despair where Indiana Jones 4 and Die Hard 5 dwell? I have no desire to know the story until I see it for myself, and I actually wish the return of Hamill, Ford and Fisher was kept a secret. Wouldn’t that have been an awesome surprise if no one knew? Of course, in this day and age, that’s impossible, because everyone just has to know everything right away.

At this point, the insane level of media and fan scrutiny surrounding this film is a recipe for disappointment. Only a movie co-directed by Steven Spielberg and the ghost of Stanley Kubrick, co-written by Shakespeare, J.K. Rowling and Stephen King, with music by a reunited Led Zeppelin and starring Jesus Christ & Marilyn Monroe could possibly meet the expectations of those convinced The Force Awakens will be nothing short of a religious experience.

Ultimately, we’re better off looking forward to The Force Awakens for what it will likely be, a good (perhaps great) film by a solid director. We shouldn’t bring our preconceived ideals or expectations to the table, demanding this-or-that. As of this writing, we’ve seen a mere snippet of the film in a teaser trailer, hardly a source to formulate any kind of speculation, positive or negative. In fact, we shouldn’t be speculating at all.

Really, we need to just take a deep breath and let that shit go because, in the long run, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is still just a movie, even if most of us hope it’s the mother of all movies.

Jude Law's BLACK SEA First Featurette Available Now

Academy Award nominee Jude Law and the cast of Kevin Macdonald’s BLACK SEA tell the story of the highly anticipated submarine thriller in a new featurette available NOW. Check it out below.  The film will open in NY and LA on January 23rd and across the US on January 30th.

Movie Haiku of the Week: FARGO

Kidnap plan gone wrong.

A sleazy spouse; two dumb crooks:

Some wood-chipping fun.

Blu-Ray Review: THE SCORPION KING 4: QUEST FOR POWER

Starring Victor Webster, Ellen Hoffman, Barry Bostwick, Ian Whyte, Royce Gracie, Will Kemp, Rutger Hauer, M. Emmet Walsh, Michael Biehn, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Lou Ferrigno, Roy “Big Country” Nelson. Directed by Mike Elliot. (2015, 105 min).
Universal

To be honest, I barely recall there was a Scorpion King 3, since I pretty much lost all interest when the franchise decided to continue without Dwayne Johnson. But you’ve gotta hand it to the producers of these direct-to-video sequels…they do their best to load the cast with as many famous faces as they can afford with their meager budgets.

And Scorpion King 4 offers a slew of familiar B-list actors and personalities from both WWE and UFC. However, like Lou Ferrigno, prominently listed above the title and featured at the center of the box cover art, most of the folks you’ve actually heard of appear for only a few minutes at most. The actual star of the film is Victor Webster as the title character, reprising his role from Scorpion King 3. While he’s no Dwayne Johnson, Webster isn’t bad at all. He certainly looks the part and gives an amusingly laid-back performance, as does co-star Ellen Hoffman, the only cast member prominently featured on the cover who has a substantial role, probably because she looks great in a leather bikini.

Victor Webster & Ellen Hoffman watch the
catering truck drive away.

Like most direct-to-video sequels, it helps if viewers keep their expectations low. Scorpion King 4 plays like a Xena episode with a slightly bigger budget, meaning it’s often quite funny (both intentionally and unintentionally). This healthy sense of humor goes a long way in making the film fairly enjoyable if you’re in the right frame-of-mind. It ain’t high art - or even high-concept - but also makes no pretension of being so.

Either you accept the film for what it is and go with it, or don’t even bother. For example, if you find yourself wondering how the hell a character hailing from the era of Egyptian pharaohs could possibly be saving the day in medieval Europe, you’ve chosen the wrong movie. But if you’re like me, occasionally in the mood for some dumb, unpretentious fun, you could do far worse than The Scorpion King 4.

EXTRAS:

• Featurettes: Real Fighters, Fake Punches; A Brand New World; Great Chemistry
• Gag Reel (which is arguably the funniest part of this whole disc)
• Deleted Scenes
• Cast & Crew Commentary
• DVD & Digital Copy

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

Blu-Ray Review: GET ON UP

Starring Chadwick Boseman, Nelsan Ellis, Dan Aykroyd, Viola Davis, Keith Robinson, Octavia Spencer. Directed by Tate Taylor. (2014, 139 min).
Universal

Though I’ve personally never been a fan of James Brown, I appreciate the influence he’s had on American music. It’s difficult to imagine what the current state of modern rock, blues, R&B, soul, funk and rap would be without him. He was also a bigger-than-life personality whose tumultuous life has been well documented, especially during his later years. If anyone’s life deserves an epic Hollywood bio treatment, it’s James Brown’s (Mister Brown to his underlings).

So it’s somewhat disappointing Get On Up isn’t a truly comprehensive life story. It moves back and forth among pivotal moments in his life without really connecting the dots in order to help us understand how they shaped him into a musical genius. We get a lot of highlights, such as his legendary Apollo gig, but relatively little insight as to how these events are important. In fact, based on what we see here, from the moment he began singing, James Brown went from zero-to-superstar in the blink of an eye and remained a bestselling artist his entire life. Similarly, the darker aspects of his life - career decline, drug use, spousal abuse and legal problems- are fleetingly touched-upon but not thoroughly explored.

"Why, yes, Mr. Brown...I do feel good...
like I knew that I would..."

But Get On Up is boosted considerably by tremendous attention to period detail, terrific performances across the board and well-timed moments in which the Brown character breaks the fourth wall to directly address the audience. As Brown, Chadwick Boseman is suitably effective (if a bit one-note, sometimes just a step away from the James Brown parody Eddie Murphy used to perform on Saturday Night Live), but Nelsan Ellis is a revelation as Bobby Byrd, Brown’s loyal-but-long-suffering friend/partner. The scenes depicting Brown’s relationship with his mother (Viola Davis) are both heartbreaking and infuriating, the closest we get to understanding Brown’s fiercely independent personality.

The numerous concert scenes are dynamic and well-shot, and even though Boseman performs all of the on-stage moves himself, it was a wise decision to use Brown’s original performances for the actual soundtrack. After all, nobody, no matter how talented, could possibly recapture what Brown accomplished on those seminal recordings.

In the end, what we have is an interesting summary of the life of a cultural icon, yet hardly definitive. One can’t help but walk away thinking we’ve only gotten part of the story. The film is certainly entertaining, but doesn’t quite resonate afterwards like the best biographies do.

EXTRAS:
Featurettes: Long Journey to the Screen; Tate Taylor’s Master Class; Chadwick Boseman - Meet Mr. James Brown; The Get On Up Family; The Founding Father of Funk
Full Song Performances
Extended Song Performances
Deleted/Extended/Alternate Scenes
Audio Commentary with director/producer Tate Taylor

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Embarrassingly Awful Dialogue from Otherwise Great Films

We've all heard our fair share of bad dialogue in movies. In some cases, it can either totally sink a film or be part of what makes it so much fun (like Twilight or any disaster movie you'd care to name). On the other end of the spectrum, we have the Tarantinos, Mamets, Allens, etc., whose skill with dialogue is the primary reason some films achieve greatness. Then there are those movies we all love for various reasons, but contain a line so dumb we can't help but wonder what the writer was thinking.

The following is a list films which most would agree are wonderful (many are classics), yet toss-in a line or two of dialogue so bad, corny, off-the-wall or meaningless that they stand out like Waldo on a nude beach. I suppose it’s a tribute to the thespian skills of the actors forced to utter these lines with a straight face.

JAWS

Elaine Brody: My husband tells me you’re in sharks.

Nobody would ever say that. 

X-MEN

Storm: Do you know what happens when a toad is struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.

Thanks for the science lesson.

TOTAL RECALL

Cohaagen: In thirty seconds you’ll be dead, and I’ll blow this place up and be home in time for Corn Flakes.

Corn Flakes…part of your nutritious breakfast AND the ultimate way to celebrate crushing your enemies.

DIE HARD

Store Clerk: I thought you guys just ate donuts.

Sgt. Powell: They’re for my wife.

Store Clerk: Yeah.

Sgt. Powell: She’s pregnant.

Store Clerk: Yeah.

Sgt. Powell: Bag it.

Store Clerk: Big time.

Huh? Big time? What the hell does that even mean?

TREMORS

Rhonda: I think I have a plan. Why don’t we throw a bomb the way we want to go and when it goes off, we run like goddamn bastards! 

Dem goddamn bastards run mighty fast.

THE ABYSS

Lindsay: I know how alone you feel…alone in all that cold blackness…

Lindsay is supposed to be trying to keep Virgil’s spirits up as he descends deeper in the ocean than anyone ever has before…so she sits at the microphone and reminds him of how cold and isolated he is!

STAR WARS

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

An ominous statement, but ultimately meaningless and dumb since, after Obi-Wan dies, all he really does comes back to pester Luke in later films. 

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Marty McFly (after blowing up the giant speaker in Doc Brown’s lab when he plugs in his guitar): Rock and roll!

That’s right, Marty, overlook the fact you’ve just destroyed Doc’s entire lab. Some friend.

SUPERMAN

Lois Lane (internal monologue as Superman takes her flying for the first time): Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is that you do to me? I don't know who you are. Just a friend from another star. Here I am, like a kid out of school. Holding hands with a god. I'm a fool. Will you look at me? Quivering. Like a little girl, shivering. You can see right through me. Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things I'm thinking of? Wondering why you are... all the wonderful things you are. You can fly. You belong in the sky. You and I... could belong to each other. If you need a friend... I'm the one to fly to. If you need to be loved... here I am. Read my mind.

I’m sorry, but what the fuck?

CARRIE

Carrie’s Mom: I can see your dirty pillows. Everyone will.

Carrie: Breasts, Mama. They’re called breasts, and every woman has them.

Poor Mrs. White…having gone an entire lifetime without knowing what boobs are. And when was the last time you heard anyone say, “Man, that babe has one nice set of dirty pillows on her.”?

Recall any other lines of mind-numbingly awful dialogue from a classic film? We’d love to hear your suggestions for a future list.

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II: Where the Hell is My Hoverboard?

Starring Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Thomas F. Wilson, Lea Thompson, Elisabeth Shue. Directed by Robert Zemeckis. (1989, 108 min).

As of this writing, it is the first day of 2015. When I was a little kid, this date wasn’t just the future, but the distant future, the sci-fi future, when we would all be buzzing through the sky in flying cars, have robot servants and fight our battles with laser guns. Men would wear bell-bottom jumpsuits, while their women strutted around in silver lipstick, go-go boots and mini-skirts. We’d have ventured far into space, colonized other worlds and met-or-fought alien races.

When Hollywood eventually decided the distant future would actually really suck, we got an overpopulated world where we were forced to eat crackers made from people, kill everyone on their 30th birthday and send folks to prison for having more than single child. We’ve turned New York into a maximum security prison, declared independent thought illegal and nuked ourselves into oblivion (hundreds of times). We’ve murdered each other for the gasoline in our vehicles and died by the millions after our own machines have turned against us.

Hollywood didn’t always inform us exactly when all this shit would go down, but sometimes we were told. By that reckoning, it’s now been 14 years since we ventured out to Jupiter to figure out what the hell a black slab floating around in space was trying to tell us, 18 years since Snake Plissken escaped New York, 19 years since Khan Noonien Singh ruled over a quarter of the world and 24 years since apes revolted to overthrow the human race. More ominously, it’s only four years before rogue replicants run rampant through L.A. (Blade Runner) and seven years before Grandpa becomes part of our nutritious breakfast (Soylent Green), at which time we are also permitted unleash our aggression during the annual Purge.

Obviously, none of these past-future events have occurred, nor are they likely to. We’re nowhere near creating android likenesses of ourselves; the closest we’ve come is a robot vacuum cleaner that still can’t get into those cracks and crevices where dust bunnies dwell. We haven’t ventured past the moon (not because we can’t, but because we’ve got no economic reason to). And though our population has hit the seven-billion mark, we aren’t-yet ready to dine on each other.

Like every other year of this fairly new century, 2015 is not shaping-up to become the dystopia we once feared (though I wouldn’t put that to a vote). At the same time, it’s also not the 2015 depicted in Back to the Future Part II, released 25 years ago when today was still relatively distant. No flying cars, no self-drying clothes, no Nikes equipped with power laces, no Jaws 19 and, most distressingly, no hoverboards.

Cool, huh? Now imagine your grandpa behind
the wheel.

Granted, Back to the Future Part II’s vision of the future makes no pretense of accuracy or logic. It’s more of a parody of what 1950’s Hollywood once assumed the future would look like (with some sharp jabs at then-current 1980’s pop culture thrown in for good measure). Hence, the presence of flying cars, arguably the most iconic image virtually everyone envisions of the sci-fi future (mostly thanks to movies). On the other hand, the film did accurately predict wall-sized flatscreen televisions with multi-channel capability, video chat systems like Skype and a Major League Baseball team in Florida. But most importantly, Back to the Future Part II is one of the few films since 1968 to depict the future as a pretty awesome place.

Still waiting on the damn hoverboards, though.

But regarding those flying cars, I’m torn between wishing I had one right-the-hell-now and praying they never become a reality.

Personally, I’d love nothing more than to jump into my “hover converted” Durango and leap to work in a matter of minutes, or cut that annual three-hour Thanksgiving trip to my mother-in-law’s house to a fraction of the time.

However, such technology would only be ideal if it were available exclusively to me. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but I have a pretty decent self-assessment of my own driving capabilities, and the thought of sharing the sky with the rest of the free world scares me shitless.

Anyone who’s ever spent a considerable amount of time in the driver’s seat can surely attest to the fact there’s an enormous percentage of the population who have absolutely no business getting behind the wheel as it is (you know, the geniuses trying to text, eat and drive at the same time). Do we really want these dinkfuckers flying over our heads, where their idiocy would likely result in, not only countless deaths from mid-air collisions, but endangering everyone on the ground due to the fiery debris raining back to Earth? Simply put, allowing every mouth-breathing booger-eater who passed a driving test carte blanche to fly the friendly skies is a bad fucking idea.

Then again, maybe I’m not quite thinking this scenario through to its logical conclusion. Perhaps a world where flying cars are commonplace would ultimately be a good thing. If, as Hollywood has often foretold, overpopulation is a possible threat to our foreseeable future, then it stands to reason rendering everyone airborne would cull the herd considerably. Sure, many drivers whose heads aren’t permanently lodged in their asses might pay the ultimate price, as would those on the ground unable to dodge the constant daily barrage of flaming auto parts dropping from the sky. But this decrease in the population would mean there’d always be plenty of food for the rest of us, so we’d never be forced to convert the dead into tiny green Triscuits in order to feed everybody.

Now that I’ve thought this through, bring on the flying cars! Then feel free to text, talk and scarf-down that morning danish while you steer with your knees during your morning commute 500 feet in the air. By doing so, you’re inadvertently saving us from a dystopian hell Hollywood has been warning us about for decades.

Or, at the very least, let us have one of those hoverboards. We’ve made it to 2015 without blowing each other up. Surely us future-dwellers deserve at least one perk.

The mini-skirts and go-go boots would be pretty cool too.