Blu-Ray Review: STONE COLD

Starring Brian Bosworth, Lance Henrikson, William Forsythe, Arabella Holzbog, Sam McMurray, Richard Gant. Directed by Craig R. Baxley. (1991, 95 min).
Olive Films

Once again, Olive Films unearths another relic you forgot existed. I love that about them.

Some of you might remember The Boz, that arrogant, trash-talking linebacker with the wild haircut who was a superstar at the University of Oklahoma, later humbled when his pro football career pretty much went nowhere. As his 15 minutes of fame were quickly ticking away, Brian Bosworth tried his hand at being an action hero in 1991's Stone Cold, which bombed even worse than his tenure with the Seattle Seahawks.

In some respects, one can see why. Unlike, say, Jim Brown (or even O.J. back in the day), Bosworth's carefully cultivated bad boy image was never especially likable. Sticking him in a big brainless action film felt like a desperate attempt to keep an NFL washout in the limelight (kind-of like Dancing with the Stars does today).

Other than that, Stone Cold isn't really any worse than the stuff Stallone was churning out at the time. Boz plays Joe Huff, a renegade cop (of course) blackmailed by the FBI to infiltrate a violent motorcycle gang known as The Brotherhood. Its psychotic leader, Chains Cooper (Lance Henrikson), has drug dealings with the mafia and also plans to assassinate a local district attorney. Needless to say, lots of fights, gunplay and motorporn ensues.

When grocery store security guards dream...

Boz looks and dresses like the lead singer of an 80s metal band with the worst mullet in movie history. As for his acting...Bosworth is essentially playing himself, and not much is required of him aside from fighting, scowling and handling his lizard (his PET lizard, you perverts). As such, he delivers a one-note performance without embarrassing himself too much. Henrikson is the polar opposite, chewing the scenery like a pitbull. He clearly appears to be enjoying himself, perhaps aware of how ridiculous everything is.

And ridiculous is definitely the one word which best sums-up Stone Cold, from the story, the dialogue, the characters, the costumes...right down to the action scenes, which grow increasingly ludicrous. But while not a good movie by any stretch, Stone Cold is a lot of disreputable fun if you're in the right frame of mind, much like Stallone's Cobra managed to entertain in spite of its utter stupidity...or perhaps because of it.

Similar to Bosworth's football career, Stone Cold warrants little more than a footnote in the annals of action movies. Yet at the same time, they don't really make stuff like this anymore, and there's some morbid fascination to be found in watching such an elaborate attempt to turn a has-been into a movie star. At the very least, whether you're nostalgic or in the mood for some unintentional humor, Stone Cold is seldom boring.

EXTRAS: None

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD...AT LEAST BO JACKSON AIN'T AROUND TO HUMILIATE THE BOZ THIS TIME.

Rest in Peace, Christopher Lee

Christopher Lee (1922-2015)

Rest in Peace, Mary Ellen Trainor

Mary Ellen Trainor (1952-2015)

Blu-Ray Review: WILD TALES

Starring Ricardo Darin, Oscar Martinez, Leonardo Sbaraglia, Erica Rivas, Rita Cortese, Julieta Zylberberg, Dario Grandinetti, Maria Onetto, Nancy Duplaa, Osmar Nunez. Directed by Damian Szifron. (2014, 122 min).
Sony

This Argentine-Spanish film (nominated for a 2014 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film) is easily the most bizarre, unpredictable and unusual thing I've seen in a long time. Consisting of six seemingly unrelated short stories, I suppose the overall theme would be revenge. Even so, trying to pigeonhole Wild Tales into a specific genre is a waste of time, since each vignette is decidedly different. Still, the entire film has a blackly comedic mean streak running through it a mile wide.

Like most anthology films, some stories work better than others. Wild Tales starts off with a bang with a highly amusing piece in which the passengers onboard a plane discover they all have one thing in common: a past relationship with a guy who holds a huge grudge. From a narrative standpoint, this story is the most straightforward and laugh-out-loud hilarious. Other standout stories feature a disgruntled demolition expert who goes to extremes when dealing with a parking ticket, a case of road rage that gets way out of hand (with a hilariously ironic resolution) and a wedding reception which turns sour after the bride discovers her husband has been cheating on her. The remaining two stories, while interesting, are more like listening to someone try to tell a joke, only they forgot the punchline.

Still, Wild Tales remains a fiercely original film and, if you're in the right frame of mind, phenomenally entertaining. It's loaded with narrative surprises and terrific performances by the entire cast. Whether or not you actually enjoy or approve of each segment, there's no denying you've never seen anything like it. That alone makes Wild Tales worth checking out.

EXTRAS:
Featurettes: "Wild Shooting: Creating the Film"; "As Evening at the Toronto International Film Festival with Damian Szifron"

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS

Blu-Ray Giveaway: MONSTERS: DARK CONTINENT

Free Kittens Movie Guide and Anchor Bay Entertainment are giving away Blu-Ray copies of Monsters: Dark Continent, the sequel to Gareth (Godzilla) Edwards' critically acclaimed 2010 film.

Taking place 10 years after the events of its predecessor, Monsters: Dark Continent is set against the backdrop of a world proliferated by “Infected Zones.” An insurgency of fearsome monsters lord over these regions and threaten humanity. The film follows four fresh army recruits as they embark on a life-altering mission in the Middle East, through the heart of monster territory to save a group of fellow soldiers.

To enter, simply leave us a message in KITTY KONTACT, located in the sidebar at the top of this page. Winners will be chosen at random. 

Blu-Ray Review: CHAPPIE

Starring Sharlto Copley, Dev Patel, Ninja, Yolandi Visser, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Hugh Jackman, Sigourney Weaver. Directed by Neill Blomkamp. (2015, 120 min).
Sony

Having finally seen it, I have to place Chappie on that sad list of potential blockbusters which inexplicably failed to find an audience in theaters. Like last year's equally-maligned Edge of Tomorrow, Chappie is a cut above your typical FX-driven picture: clever & witty, with a compelling premise, interesting characters and impressive visual effects which actually serve the story, not vise versa. As director Neill Blomkamp's third feature, it isn't as unique and original as District 9, but an improvement over his interesting-but-aloof Elysium.

Like District 9, the film takes place in Johannesburg. At an unspecified point in the future, the solution to rampant crime has been government use of law enforcement robots designed by engineer Deon Wilson (Dev Patel) and manufactured by the Tetravaal corporation. Wilson's ambition has him developing a program which can instill genuine emotions in his creations, an idea shot down by CEO Bradley (Sigourney Weaver, in a thankless role). So he steals a recently damaged robot in order to test it out.

Unfortunately, a local small-time gang kidnaps Wilson, forcing him to reprogram the robot to help them do heists in order to pay-off a crime boss. Wilson complies, using this opportunity to install his new software. When the robot reawakens, it has the mind as a child experiencing various emotions for the first time...fear, joy, anger...even embarrassment.

"Did you poop on the master's rug, too?"

Gang leaders Ninja and Yolandi imprint their own ideals and morals upon the robot. Yolandi names it Chappie and becomes sort-of a surrogate mother figure, reading it stories and displaying affection, while Ninja is initially more concerned about teaching Chappie how to commit crimes and act ‘gangster‘. While neither are what anyone would call responsible mentors, these two have a huge impact on Chappie’s emotional development, which leads to some amusing scenes in which Chappie processes these ideals. Meanwhile, disgruntled Tetravaal engineer Vincent Moore (Hugh Jackman), whose similar prototype (MOOSE) was shoved by the wayside, tries to take advantage of Wilson’s rogue actions in order to push his own creation.

Chappie’s emotional development is the crux of the story, since he’s an innocent being bombarded by conflicting ideas of morality. At the same time, his creativity and problem-solving abilities are growing exponentially. Because of this, he’s the most likable and charming character in the entire film (and perfectly voiced by Sharlto Copley). Ninja & Yolandi (named for the actual rave-rap duo who play them), despite being low-life thugs, manage to become more endearing as the story progresses. The same cannot be said for Moore; Jackman does what he can, but as antagonists go, he’s a one-note caricature...and what the hell’s up with that hair and Steve Erwin get-up?

The final act descends into your typical violent shoot ‘em up (with echoes of Robocop 2, of all things), and late plot turns will require some suspension of disbelief. But those are minor flaws since the rest of the film is exciting and engaging...even a little thought provoking when it challenges our definition of sentient life. Chappie comes to an enormously satisfying - yet open-ended - conclusion. So if there is indeed no follow-up (and its box office performance suggests there won’t be), it’s doubtful anyone will feel cheated. In either case, like Edge of Tomorrow and Dredd, Chappie deserves a second life on home video.

EXTRAS:

• Featurettes: "Chappie: The Streetwise Professor"; "Arms Race: Weapons & Robots"; "Bringing Chappie to Life: The Visual Effects"; "From Tetra Vaal to Chappie" (Tetra Vaal is the short the film is partially based on); "The Reality of Robotics"; "Keep it Gangster"; "Rogue Robot: Deconstructing the Stunts and Special Effects"; "Jozi: Real City and a Sci-Fi Setting"
• Alternate Ending (which is just as good, with more apocalyptic implications)
• Extended Scene
• Artwork Gallery
• Digital Copy

KITTEN CONSENSUS:

PURR...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS

Walt Disney Animation Studios Short Films Collection on Blu-ray on 8/18

From Walt Disney Animation Studios comes the Shorts Film Collection, an extraordinary new collection of award-winning and beloved short films featuring Disney's Frozen Fever, starring Anna, Elsa, Olaf, Sven and Kristoff, and the Oscar®-nominated Lorenzo. It will be available early on Digital HD/Disney Movies Anywhere August 11 and you can bring it home on Blu-ray August 18. Enjoy this must-own collection with all-new extras including an inside look at the Disney Animation shorts, featuring introductions and interviews with the acclaimed filmmakers themselves.

SPEED: Alternate Ending

"Pop quiz, hot shot...there's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus reaches 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. Once it drops below 50, it goes off. What do you do?"

"Well, I suppose I'd just shoot out a tire before the bus even reaches 50, then call it a day."

"Shit...I didn't think of that."

DVD Review: SURVIVOR'S REMORSE: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON

Starring Jessie T. Usher, RonReaco Lee, Erica Ash, Teyonah Parris, Tichina Arnold, Mike Epps. Various Directors (2014, 164 min).
Anchor Bay

Considering the one and only LeBron James serves as one of the executive producers, one might understandably assume Survivor's Remorse draws a bit of inspiration from his own experiences. Maybe it does, but other than the elementary school team my daughter plays for, I know almost nothing about LeBron or basketball. Not that it matters, since this Starz series is more about how instant fame & fortune affects and changes people, sometimes for the worse. The game itself is perfunctory.

Jessie T. Usher is Cam Calloway, a young prodigy who becomes an instant celebrity with millions of dollars after signing a contract to play basketball in Atlanta. He's brash and cocky, not-to-mention naive and foolish when it comes to his wealth (though he has a generous streak that's somewhat endearing). Cam's sudden stardom also impacts the lives of those around him, mostly his family, who have no problem riding the gravy train to luxury (if this reminds you a little bit of Entourage, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark).

"One, two, three, four...I declare a thumb war!"

Those hoping for a behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner-workings of the NBA should prepare for disappointment. The game itself is only the catalyst for happenings outside the arena (at least during most of these six episodes). And for a series purporting to be a comedy, it isn’t often all that funny. Perhaps that's due in-part to the fact few of the characters (outside of Cam) are particularly likable; most are shallow, petty, conniving and greedy. Still, that didn’t hurt Entourage in its early seasons, so maybe it’s a moot point. The sudden first-world problems these characters face is sometimes interesting, but it would’ve been kind-of cool if the first season featured a bit more of a glimpse at the behind-the-scenes drama inherent in pro sports. But that’s just me; I imagine scores of folks will enjoy the story twists and personal betrayals enough that they won’t be concerned about the infrequent cameo appearance by an actual basketball.

While I was largely unimpressed with the various story arcs of this first season, it’s well acted by a good cast, the dialogue seems authentic and ends with the promise of greater things to come. Perhaps this is one of those shows that'll hit its stride later on.

EXTRAS:
Featurette: "Meet the Cast"

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH...FOR THOSE EXPECTING A SHOW ABOUT ACTUAL SPORTS

GREAT POSTERS FOR BAD MOVIES (Part 3)

Movie posters are a dying art. Today, most are little more than quickly slapped-together Photoshopped montages. But back in the days before the internet, posters really had to sell movies, which meant hiring artists and photographers with enough creativity to (sometimes deviously) get butts planted in theater seats. In the tradition of P.T. Barnum, sometimes the best posters were used to entice moviegoers into seeing the worst movies...

  

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 (2007)

The Hills Have Eyes was a surprisingly solid remake (both critically and financially) of Wes Craven's original classic. So it was no surprise a sequel followed soon after, preceded by this beautifully disturbing teaser poster, which ended up being banned by the MPAA. It was modified to depict feet protruding from the sack (instead of a clawing hand), which was somehow deemed acceptable. Go figure. At any rate, this brief bit of controversy is the only memorable aspect of this dull retread.

THE CARS THAT EAT PEOPLE (1974)

The original Australian film, The Cars That Ate Paris, was retitled by its American distributor to push it as a horror film (which it really isn't). Too bad, because who wouldn't want to see cars literally devour a bunch of poor bastards on the highway as depicted in the poster? Unfortunately, it's about the folks of a small town who earn a living by causing car accidents and salvaging the wreckage. The film itself is mostly remembered today as director Peter Weir's first feature.

DEATHSPORT (1978)

Look at that buff dude on that badass bike, sword raised high as he roars defiantly down the highway! Guess what...there's nothing remotely like him or that bike anywhere in this Roger Corman-produced, no-budget 'sequel' to Death Race 2000. But unlike that cult classic, all the laughs here are completely unintentional.

DEEP BLUE SEA (1999)

While few would ever defend Deep Blue Sea as a good movie with a straight face, most would agree it's a hell of a lot of goofy, ridiculous fun, especially Samuel L. Jackson's  semi-classic death scene. This promotional poster had it all...great tagline, super-hot Saffron Burrows and a shark's maw big enough to swallow a Volkswagen.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)

This film has its admirers, many who might have an overly-nostalgic attachment to it. That still doesn't make Friday the 13th any good, and even director Sean S. Cunningham admitted he was just trying to capitalize on the success of Halloween, having the chutzpah to place ads in Variety magazine before he had anything but a title. Aside from its creative kills (courtesy of Tom Savini), the film is poorly acted, badly written and clumsily directed. Still it was perfectly marketed, and this beautiful poster is a true work of art.

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